In 1997 I wrote the following poem to commemorate the opening of my first full-time portrait studio in Malta. I'm sure every family that has gone to a portrait studio during the Christmas Season can totally relate. I hope everyone enjoys it, I had so much fun writing it!
God Bless & Merry Christmas!
Bruce’s Christmas Poem
T’was an hour before portraits, And all through the house. Every woman was rushing, To find the right blouse.
The gentlemen were shaving, And losing their hair. In fear that the women Would give them that glare.
The Children were fighting, And wrestling in their beds. While the parents were stressing, And losing their heads!
With the women in their dresses, And the men in their slacks. They threatened the children And took away their snacks.
Then out in the driveway, There rose such a clatter. I sprang to my feet, To see what was the matter.
I ran to the window, And I witnessed with fright! That dam city snow plow, Plowed us in with all his might!
My hands to my temple, I was beginning to stress. Our once clean driveway Is now a mess.
Meanwhile from the bedroom, My wife with a fit. Shouts look, look honey, My dress has a slit!
She continues to whine, About her hair, makeup and such. If you ask me It’s all a bit too much!
I put on my boots, My coat and my hat. Went outside to escape The shouts of “I’m too fat!”
I begin to shovel, And in a great hurry. But the snow was falling fast, It was snowing with a fury.
My wife she shouted, “We’re going to be late!” And then slammed the front door, They were trying to wake Grandpa From his long winter snore!
So, we rushed, and we hurried And piled in the car. With complaining and gripping, Thank God we don’t have to go far.
Over the snow banks, I had to be quick. The smell from Grandma’s perfume Was making me sick!
The In-Laws, Grandparents, and all the children, So glad they all came. It all makes me wonder, Why we have the same name.
We pulled into the mall With speed and fitness. “Everybody out!” I shouted with quickness.
The baby was now crying, And the children were hyper. Wouldn’t you know, Baby Jane Just pooped in her diaper. Away to the mall, We went with a hurry. Suddenly I heard a whimper I looked in the trunk, it was our puppy Murry!
Into the mall Our feet pitter patter. The children all started crying I declared, “What was the matter?”
“We don’t like to smile” “And we don’t want our portraits taken” The photographer will steel our souls And we will be forever forsaken!
Do as you’re told, There is nothing to fear. You’ll have these portraits taken Like we do every year!
The portrait studio was crowded, And all the children were rowdy. But there stood the receptionist, She smiled and said howdy.
About a three hour wait, She said with a smirk and a gleam. Making an appointment, Is not what it seems.
We started to shout, But we soon did learn. No matter how much we yelled, We would have to wait our turn.
We all piled in To the small waiting room. Waited and waited, We sat there with gloom.
The In-Laws were unhappy, And pointed the blame. I held my head down, I was filled with such shame. Then in a moment, My wondrous ears must of heard. The crazy receptionist, She muttered a word.
“Your family is next,” We all heard what she said. For a moment I thought, I was losing my head.
“Children get ready,” I called out each name. I shouted and whistled, And watched how they came.
“Now, David! Now, Susan! Now, Philip and Baby Jane!” “On, Grandpa! On, Grandma Can you feel my pain!”
“Our annual Holiday Portrait Is ready to make. Let’s all get this… All on one take!”
Into the photo room, We went with a scurry. There stood the photographer, His face a little furry.
He was dressed in a suit, Plaid with some brown. He immediately was laughing, And acting like a clown.
In one hand a puppet, The other a toy. He started to play, Pretended to fart, in front of my boy!
His eyes were red, And his cheeks were plum. His breath was very bad, I swear it smelled like rum! He positioned us all, Into a family circle. If we all smile together, It would be a Holiday miracle!
He focused his camera, And it all started to flow. The hair in his ears though, Was as white as the snow!
He teased, and he tickled, To try to show some teeth. But Baby Jane was too busy, Tearing apart a Holiday wreath!
His face looked tired, And his body was puny. As he bounced all around, He seemed kind of loony.
He grabbed for some toys, And knocked over a shelf. And I laughed when I saw him, In spite of myself.
A wink from his eye, And a twist of his head. Soon gave me to know, I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work. Made everyone smile, By acting like a jerk!
He stood with his camera, As he made us all sit. While looking at my wife, He yelled, “Work it, work it!”
His camera stopped clicking, The session was done. He looked into my eyes, And said “Now that was fun!” He spoke to my boys, About seeing a comet. Thank God the session was done, Baby Jane just did a vomit!
He said his goodbyes, With hugs and his kisses. As we were leaving, He winked at my misses!
We were leaving the mall, When I heard him explain. “I really don’t like children, To photograph for a living… I must be insane!”